Archive for May, 2008

How do I get to where I want to be?

Success and achievement are two completely different things. I’ve achieved one or two things but career wise I’ve never managed to get into my ideal job. I thought I did at one point but I was given the Alan Sugar treatment and that left me feeling a bit phased for a little while afterwards. In what I have done I have been fairly successful, that is, appreciated for unskilled work. It’s nice enough but I feel like I’m going to waste.

I had a job interview yesterday but at the moment I’m not holding up much hope about it. I was nervous about it and it showed. I was as honest as I could be. I had a task to do during it but but I didn’t complete it. They had been running late, I’d sat in reception for half an hour before they were ready for me, I was the last to be interviewed and they wanted to go for lunch. I walked away feeling like a jerk, but hopefully my website will carry me through a little. If nothing else, it gave me the motivation to shine that up a little. I know I was only up against another 3 people, so 4 of us altogether. That’s better odds that I’ve had previously, where 32 people went for 1 post (I came in 3rd, no medal, no cigar, but that’s because part way though I’d decided it probably wasn’t for me and didn’t sound as desperate maybe as some of the others).

During question time one of the questions threw me.

“What have you done recently that made you proud?”

Um…

Proud is something I don’t usually feel. I have had it hard-coded into me that I don’t have a lot to be proud of, and that pride comes before a fall, and that pride is fairly stupid. I didn’t say that of course, I picked an example from a while ago that made me happy. I do the things that I am compelled to do, that I feel the need to do, because they would annoy me if they were not done! They don’t always get me anywhere but at least I have a go.

Speaking of which, the annual Glammies show is next Friday. GCADT are moving from Glamorgan Uni. to Cardiff UWIC, to the Atrium so in effect it is the last Glammies show. I’m torn between signing up and taking the day off to go along and meet everyone again to catch up because I do like my old friends even though I don’t get to see them that often, and not showing up through utter embarrassment at never having managed to get to where I wanted to be. That happened on a previous occasion and there was a point where I had to go out and get some air (hide because I was about to start blubbing). I’m actually scared by it. I’m a wuss, aren’t I?

Leave a comment »

Brrr!

It has been cold and wet all day today, made less comfortable by the boiler breaking down, so no heating or warm water. There’s not much that’s better than a pair of pyjamas when you’re cold and don’t have to be anywhere, except, perhaps 2 pairs of pyjamas one on top of the other! I’ve been huddled up on a chair conserving my energy and spending too much time looking at Facebook, that is, when kids haven’t been playing `Knock and Run` at the door. They’ve been making sure I get some exercise.

In the news today it said that someone called Rob Knox, aged 18, was at a club called the Metro Bar in Sidcup. He got caught in a fight and fatally stabbed. He played a character called Marcus Belby in the upcoming “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” film. People will know his face after the film comes out. It’s all very sad and unnecessary, but it’s a sign of the times.

I’ve just seen a film on telly called “Arthur and the Invisibles”. It started off a little slowly, but then it developed into something like Labyrinth / The Dark Crystal / Brian Froud / Myst / World of Warcraft. All I can say is it’s absolutely brilliant!
I loved it!

Arthur and the Invisibles

Leave a comment »

Hello world!

I have just moved my blog over to WordPress. I think this place has better facilities.

Comments (1) »

The Wren

I attended a workshop as part of a group and one of the exercises we did involved going to meet our animal guide. We sat in a circle and in the middle of the circle there were cards from the Druid Animal Oracle deck, face downwards. We had to look at the cards and see which ones we were most drawn to. Then, we were to get up in our own time, pick up the card and not look at the picture on it straight away. After everyone had a card we were to look at the picture, the animal and the surroundings and then go to meet the animal.

As it turned out the first one I had been drawn to was the Raven, but that was collected just before I’d got there. Not a problem. The one I was drawn to next and did collect was the Wren.

This is what I wrote later on in the evening:

The Raven card called to me. out of those that remained the card that called was the wren, small and cunning. It is a creature of the East, the direction I chose earlier as the direction associated with magic.
I entered the grove and there were dried acorn shells underfoot. It is autumn.

I enter the grove. It is lush and green and there are cherry blossoms. It is warm and humid. the clear sky soon turns to thunder.

There is a small bird. He is darting around quickly, back and forth, feathering his nest. He flies up to me, hovering for a while like a humming bird. There is lightning and it reflects the pattern of flight and quick thinking of the bird.

“What do you seek?” he asks.

“Insight,” I reply.

He seems to laugh, but not sarcastically.

I raise my elbow and he perches on my arm. I stroke his feathers. He stays. He is confident. He doesn’t give me a message so much as a feeling, warm and confident, and like some sort of electro-magnetic charge. I feel very secure.

It starts to rain heavily. The wren practically glows and the colour is deep, not bright. He sings shrilly and takes flight. I spin in a circle, arms outstretched like in a dance. He returns with a small downy feather. I thread the pointed end of the feather shaft onto my dress by my right clavicle like a pin. My dress is long, wooly and green. My hair is redder. My change in appearance surprises me.

I thank the wren and he acknowledges this. He flies off. The heavy rain gives way to mist – it is time to go.

Leave a comment »

Chakra Rebalancing Grove Visit

In October 2007 I went to the Natural Health Show in Cardiff University student union. I had not been before and found it a fascinating place. While I was there I tried some 2 therapies. One was a massage which I didn’t really connect with and frankly did nothing for me, and the other was Chakra rebalancing. This I did get something out of. As the therapy began I found it easy to enter my grove. Usually, when I do that, unlike in real life, my eyesight becomes as sharp as it was when I was little, but my hearing is usually deadened and I find it hard to hear.

I enter my grove from the West. As usual, I step into it from just outside, walking across dried leaves and damp crumbing acorn shells. Once I enter it, it is like spring. The light is bright. It is warm and sunny. I am wearing the blue periwinkle blue dress that I intend to make soon and also my blue boots. I feel happy and relaxed. I sit down in the middle and just enjoy the sun.

If I remember right, there is a small silver fountain in my grove. The droplets of water spray show rainbow in the sunlight. I wash my hands and face in the water, then sit back down where I was and begin to make a daisy chain.

Suddenly I realise I am not alone. I feel like I am being watched and I am not sure how to react. I try to gather up some bravery. “Show yourself!” Out from the shadows I wee a pair of orange glowing eyes. Out pads a large grey wolf. It paces over like a dog rather than stalking like a wolf. It comes up and stands 2 metres in front of me. I look at its paws and it does not look defensive. I ask who it is “I am Carrow the she-wolf.” She has come to keep me company and I may ask questions of her. She also likes to enjoy the warmth of the sunlight and rolls in the grass. I get up and spin around, starting to dance. As I do I raise into the air and float. I certainly didn’t expect that to happen!

As each of my chakra points were stimulated whilst in the grove that area would glow with a golden light which left a trail of shimmering dust as I moved. Each time a new point was stimulated That would glow stronger, but the others didn’t fade by much. I felt somehow powerful and energised. Something was being triggered on the internal plane.

About half way thought the male druid guide who had been with me at the initiation arrived and came into the grove. Carrow looked really happy to see him. She bounded up and pounched on him, nearly knocking him over. He patted her and they play fought and restled as if she was a family pet dog. They played and caught up with gossip as they could both talk. I was happy to see him too. I found out that the man was called Bro’nairn.

Eventually I was wrapped in golden light and walking above the ground. I spun and as I did I rose higher and higher into the air, then floated back down to the ground, barely stirring the grass as I set foot upon the earth.

Eventually the sun began to go in and Carrow and Bro’nairn decided to leave the grove. I settled back down into the grass and closed my eyes. The grove faded away.

Leave a comment »

Self Initiation

I did my initiation right at the end of august this year. I had been waiting for what felt like the right moment. One afternoon, during one of the rare dry spells the sunlight through the windows at work was more golden that it had been in a long time. I had a warm feeling, like it was a sign. I left at a reasonable time for once instead of staying late. I hurried home, showed and scented myself with sweet floral smelling body butter because it made myself feel good. I then left the house, hit the motorway and headed off to a familiar in Pontypridd. I headed off the slip road, up the steep hill, up the narrow lane until I came to the top of the path. I had arrived at my destination – Pontypridd Common. I parked up and wandered over to the stones. Little had changed since last time I was there. I wandered down the snake pathway, seeing where the copse and longer grass had overgrown across the path by the stream near the cliff. It had been raining recently and rainwater from further up the hill had gathered and was actually flowing along the pathway of the stream – a rare site!

After familiarising myself with how the stones aligned with the directions for a while I felt ready to begin. The place was quiet with only a couple of dog walkers and most of them were heading down the pathway away from where I was, so I wouldn’t be bothering anybody.

I began just before 8pm, standing at the beginning of the path between the sun and moon dials. The sun and full moon were equal in the sky, with the moon to the south and the setting sun behind me to the west. I went through the motions as instructed, but did not use my lighter for fire, as it felt inappropriate. I followed the instructions up to the end of the Druid’s prayer, walking around the three concentric circles of stones, then entered the central ring and climbed up onto the top of the rocking stone. I sat there with my knees drawn up to my chest. There my path-working began.

I saw my grove from above. It was dark and velvet-backed blackthorn leaves shimmered in the moonlight. My view descended and I saw myself entering the grove. It was a clear night, cloudless except for the occasional wisp and there were many stars shimmering like silver thread in the blanket of the sky.

I find that I am standing surrounded by trees. It is dark but I can see a light ahead. I walk forward through the trees and approach the light. It is a bonfire burning in a clearing. The fire is tall but and there is a light breeze but the fire does not threaten the trees. I expect to see one person there, a druid, but I am surprised to see too. They look like they have been expecting me. They urge me to come over to them. There is one man, and one woman. The man is white with dark hair, with piercing eyes and thick eyebrows. He is nearly 6 foot tall and slender but strong. He wears dark browns and greens and a wet-looking leather jacket with a hood underneath it. The woman is shorter and darker. She has a plumper face and dark eyes. Her black hair is plaited behind her in a long pony-tail. She wears a long dress and she is cooking something in a cauldron. She looks over and smiles, then carries on with what she is doing.

“Welcome,” we’ve been expecting you, says the man. He doesn’t ask who I am. He seems to know. He shows me over to a log that is lying on the floor near the cauldron and I sit down. The lady picks of the bowls from the end of the log I am sitting on and starts to dish out pottage for each of us. We all sit down and eat a full bowl of the pottage – carrot, potato and turnip, but you can’t really taste the turnip in the broth. Nothing is said.

We sit for a while quietly and then I say, “Um, this is not really what I was expecting. I thought we’d be beginning straight away. Do you need me to do anything?”

“We are waiting for a messenger. We will begin after he comes,” he man said and smiled. The woman grinned and gave a little chuckle. Then she said something quietly to the man. She left us, saying that she was needed elsewhere. The remaining druid sat for a little while longer, looking into the bonfire.

The man gets up. “The messenger has arrived. Wait for him here. I shall meet with you afterwards,” he says, and them moves away into the trees. I am left sitting on the log.

At this point I come out of my meditation. I feel curious but slightly irritated at being disturbed. An old man, a young man, a boy and a girl are walking in the park and are approaching the stones. The two men are talking about the stones, especially history about the rocking stone I am sitting on.

“Have you made the stone rock?” asks the older man.

“Not today,” I reply.

“It has been very busy here today. Lots of little people, elves. Have you seen any today?” he continues.

“No,” I reply and pause. He looks at me intently and I am not sure if he is serious or taking the mick. “Not today…” I continue, questioningly.

“That surprises me. I can see them. Have you seen them?”

“I don’t know what they look like,” I reply.

He begins to describe them and how to see them, first like a distortion of the light, like looking through raindrops on a window when its raining, a slight shift in the air which creates a blur of form. He then described how some of them look. The ones around this circle are small and gangly, with large heads, chubby faces and long hooked noses. They wear hats that look like mushroom caps. “You won’t see them if you don’t try to see them, and you don’t have to look too hard.”

I hear a rustling behind me from the bushes. “I see,” I say and nod. I decide he’s serious, or at least that he seems to know something. I see a distortion like what he describes over by the South-East outer stone and I listen more intently. He continues to talk about the elves, and then moves onto talking about pixies, and their long ferocious teeth and claws, their snarling and “their almost cannibalistic biting”. They would think nothing of eating each other. The old man seemed to scare himself with that thought and started to mutter incoherently and he wandered off to catch up with the others.

I sit for a moment on the stone hugging my knees and thinking about what he said and trying to decide if he was insightful or bonkers. I decided that if he was mad, then it was in the best way and that he was actually quite insightful, and that he probably was the messenger that we had been waiting for, even though it wasn’t as I expected. The stone was hard. I made myself comfortable again and continued.

This time it was dark and cool. It takes me a moment for my eyes to get used to the light. I am standing on stone and it looks like I am standing facing the rock-face of a cliff. It is wet, shiny and worn smooth. I realise I am not alone. The male druid is there too. He lights a torch on a stick and holds it aloft. We are in a cave and not by a cliff at all. It is a large cave and the ceiling is tall like in an auditorium. The floor slopes gradually down into a pool. There are gemstones within the rock that light up iridescently with the light from the torch. The ceiling is dotted with numerous mineral stones that light up like the night sky. The druid explained that we were in the womb of the earth, a safe place and then asked me questions regarding my intent. Some of the questions were difficult to answer but he seems satisfied. He also asks me if I wished to continue now or later as I am about to go into a time where I will be heavily distracted by the mundane. I say I want to continue. He tells me things about my character as he leads me around and out of the cave. We walk up a tunnel that sloped gently upwards. The tunnel emerges from behind some rocks into the forest. We walk on a little further and return to the clearing of the grove. The bonfire is dying down now. The druid says goodbye and leaves me alone to contemplate my thoughts. I sit and rest, warming myself near the embers. I feel tired.

I notice that a mouse is nearby, wandering around. It looks like he’s looking for food. It approaches me, looks up and says, “I am like you.” I am surprised first of all that the mouse has spoken and also at the directness of the address. I look to the side of me and notice a chunk of cooked carrot on the floor from the pottage from earlier. I reach over, pick it up and give it to the mouse. The mouse takes it, examines it and holds it up triumphantly. “Life can be rewarding!” he says, and then scampers off with the carrot cube. I feel pleased that I have made the mouse happy. I look into the smouldering ashes of the bonfire and doze off.

I return back to the stone circle. The rising full moon and the setting sun are equal in the sky and it is getting cool. I see distortions around me that look like they may be the elves the old man from earlier spoke about. I feel inspired by the mouse and feel really happy. “Life can be rewarding.”

Leave a comment »

The Dream

A while ago I had a surreal but surprisingly vivid dream.


I was in space looking outwards at the stars. There was a cluster of stars surrounded by slowly swirling galaxies. They started to pulse inwards to the centre and then back outwards into the dark vastness. The stars swirled and rotated in a column as if caught in a tornado. The swirl shortened into an egg or oval shape and then the shape became more defined. They formed a male face with a long beard. The face looked back at me and began to speak to me with a voice full of charge and warmth and authority. As the face spoke some clumps of stars were shed and as they moved away they formed the shapes of creatures; some were familiar but not all of which were from this world. They cycles round and rejoined the head. Whilst it was speaking, the face morphed and changed to that of a woman, and the pitch of the voice changed with it.

The Spirit referred to themselves as “the heartbeat of the universe” and said some very profound things, and also told me to concentrate on, “your own planet first before you worry about any others”.

At first I was surprised, but it felt like it all made sense. I couldn’t explain it but it felt like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle were fitting into place. I woke up feeling inspired and very excited!

Leave a comment »

Robin Williamson at Chapter

I got an e-mail on Wednesday for Gems of Celtic Story, an evening with Robin Williamson.

“If you knew him then, you will love him now with his own storytelling
show. He was the first to concentrate on the renaissance of Bardic
style storytelling with harp, continuing to develop in his unique
style to this very day.”

Well, I’d never heard of the guy, so I thought, why not and went along yesterday evening. It was an enjoyable evening. He sang, recited poetry and retold Celtic stories from the Irish Cycles, Fionn McCool and also from the Mabinogion, including Culhwch and Olwen, a story about the nephew of King Arthur eloping with the daughter of a giant.

The stories were very enjoyable, but I found that some of the songs were not to everyone’s taste. Still, all round it was an enjoyable evening.

Leave a comment »

FA Cup Final

Sadly, Portsmouth beat Cardiff City in the FA Cup yesterday, but the hype was fantastic and we didn’t mind, because getting as far as we did was rewarding enough.

This is how the flower shop at the end of my road showed their support for Cardiff City on Friday night and Saturday Morning. They made special football themed floral displays:

Leave a comment »

The Temples of Cardiff

Yesterday I went on a Faith & Cultural Awareness trip with work. It was a group trip organised through work and we visited a Muslim Mosque, a Hindu Mandir, a Sikh Gurdwara and an Orthodox Jewish Synagogue. The coach turned up late, which meant that we weren’t able to stay in some places as long as others.

Islam – visiting the Mosque
All women had to cover their hair before entering, but men did not. We all removed our shoes. Normally men and women are segregated in the Mosque, but for this trip we were allowed to see all areas of the temple, but as it turned out, if women wanted pray in a Mosque, they could in this one, but had to enter through the back door and pray in the basement. Prayers take place several times per day though the day and night. If one prayer time is missed the prayers must be said at the next session that say. Prayers always take place towards the direction of Mecca, and all adults should make a pilgrimage towards Mecca at least once during their lifetime.

All children, from around the time they can read enter after-school classes from 6pm until 8pm and learn the Koran by heart in Sanskrit writing, even if Arabic is not their original language, so that if the books were ever destroyed they would be able to re-create them without mistakes. This takes great dedication, but it also means that the Islamic community becomes very insular. It seemed sad in a way, the children don’t get much opportunity to mix with other children an people, and it sounded as if the children didn’t have much opportunity to just play.

Some Muslim representatives of the Mosque answered questions in an open session. The questions were not easy and the men answering the questions had to be very pragmatic at times, especially when answering questions about the political views that people hold at the moment – the suffering and conflict. Islams preach peace but also bravery in battle, and the readings are open, it’s like reading a sentence full of similes and trying to pick out the right meanings – which ones are they? The religion versus culture argument came into play frequently.

What would be interesting is to know where Judism and Islam separate, as they both focus on the Old Testament but are very different in their cultural approach.

Hinduism – visiting the Mandir
The Mandir was a great contrast to the Mosque, and was far more airy and light, a lot less oppressive. Faith was also combined with a great sense of fun.

What I found most surprising is when the president of the Mandir told us that Hindus have one God.


When you think about Hinduism you think about pantheons. Hinduism is a very old religion with many gods and goddesses, often separate, sometimes combined and with names which imply which gods they root from. These gods and goddesses are all representations of the aspects, the manifestations of one deity or power. Some see this deity with form, some see it without form.

I was quite taken by this because this is how I see various gods and godesses too.

The Hindus came across as very honorable people. They are lacto-vegetarian, eating products that derive from milk as well as a vegetarian diet. They don’t drink alcohol or take in caffine or anything they can get addicted to, but decaf is ok. They don’t wear leather and don’t permit leather in the temple. I’ve been told that some Hindus are more strict than others. They treat animals as their kin, their brothers. Most do not keep pets as it can turn out very expensive. If an animal falls ill, they must try to heal it with the best of medical knowledge rather than putting it down, even if it costs them a fortune. They must do the best that they can in honoring their animals. This goes some way to explaining the situation last summer in the news where a temple bull fell ill with Bovine TB and they worked hard to protect the bull from the government officials who wanted to take it away and kill it.

Offerings of food are left as gifts to these representations of the gods, and later on these offerings are given back to their worshipers as gifts from the gods. There is no waste. In the temple we visited there was a marble statue of their main representation of deity dressed in bright colours. Each day it is dressed in new clothes as an act of devotion. The jewelry is also changed, but less often and also depending on the occasion.


Women cover their hair in a Mandir. Traditionally men wear turbans, often the colour worn depicts different meanings but turbans are not compulsory. Shoes are removed before entering the temple. They visit the Mandir most evenings and sit in the same room, but enter from different doors and sit on separate sides of room obscured by screens.

The writings of Hinduism are also in Sanskrit symbols. The Swatstika is a Sanskrit glyph with associations of well-being and auspiciousness, the original meaning before it’s use by the Nazis obscured it.

Sikhism – visiting the Gurdwara
The Gurdwara was a new building conversion project that was part completed. The Sikh community were restoring a Baptist church for use as a Gurdwara, and much of the work was being done by volunteers. The building had been split into 2 floors, with the current area for prayer being upstairs. Eventually the main prayer area would be on the ground floor, and upstairs being used for gatherings and study.

In Gurdwaras men and women sit on separate sides of the temple and everyone covers their hair. The men wore triangular bandanas. Shoes are removed before entering the prayer area.


Sikhs have a strong sense of community and look after each other well They take in other Sikh travellers with food and lodging and are good hosts. Much was similar to Hinduism and Bhuddism, but Sikhs follow the teachings of a set of religious guides or Gurus who lived at different times in history and their teachings are also taught within a strong historical context which says much about the times during which they lived.

Judism – visiting the Orthadox Synagogue
After the events of the day the synagogue seemed to be the most familiar setting, and from a Christian perspective, the easiest to relate to. It helped that I’d had some prior experience of the stories and situations related from previously. Stained glass windows rescued from the old synagogue lined one wall. They depicted the symbols of the 12 tribes. The Jewish representative who answered our questions was a very funny and charasmatic man. His humour was that of Stephen Speilberg films.

This synagogue was open to Orthadox Jews only, so if you had two Jewish parents of a Jewish mother you were in, but if only your father was Jewish you could not join. This is a historical reference from times when tribal raids, raping and pillaging was more commonplace – you could tell who a child’s mother was but not necessarily their father. In the Synangogue, married men wear prayer shawls. This makes it easy to see which men were still available! They encourage inter-marriage within the faith.

We were shown the book of Esther written on parchment, a scroll which he was happy to handle not overly delicately as it did not contain the name of God in the story. Each of the scrolls is enscribed by hand and can take 2 years to complete. If mistakes are made they can be scratched off the parchment with a knife and they are written at a rate of around 3 paragraphs a day, not too much as to minimise mistakes. The scrolls are copied from older copies. The synagogue we visited had 5 scrolls. Three were rolled to different points, a bit like using a bookmark, and were used at different times. The other 2 were spare and had come into the possession of the synagogue when others had closed down and amalgamated.

Comments (3) »